Where do I belong? What do I have to do in order to feel valued? Do I want to get out of the sports industry and into a different career? If so, what would I even want to do? What would I be good at? What does it feel like to be happy and enjoy life? Is happiness an actual feeling? Or is it a mindset?
All of these questions have been coming at me all at once lately and while I realize that there are no magic words or quick fixes, these past 3-4 weeks have been some of the roughest that I have ever gone through. I just feel like I have no idea where my life is going and if I'm being honest, I have even had some dark thoughts. It has taken every once of energy that I have in me to make it through work each day (which makes for some long days when you work in sports) and it begs the question....will I ever be okay?
While some might think that question is a bit dramatic, let me tell you a story. I have recently started going back to therapy and in one of my recent sessions, my therapist asked me about the last time I remember being consistently happy. My answer? When I was five years old. The last time I truly ever remember being consistently happy was when I was five. years. old. At that time, I was spending the majority of my free time up north in Gaylord, Michigan at my grandparents lake house, which is the place that I think of as my safe haven. Along with my mom, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, I spent my days in the water, on my grandpa's boat and eating my weight in ice cream sandwiches and popsicles. Life was good and I got to be a kid. Then, it's like everything changed at the drop of a hat. My mom got remarried, my younger brother was born, my grandparents sold the lake house they built from the ground up and then I became a victim of sexual molestation. Ever since then, it's like I am simply....existing. Sure, I put on a happy face around others but that's usually because I have become good at hiding how I truly feel and ignoring what I have been through.
Don't get me wrong; I have had moments of happiness (going to sporting events, concerts, trips to Disney World, etc.) but what happens when the trip is over and the adrenaline dies down? I end up feeling like I have nothing in life to get excited about. Therefore, I start planning another trip or event to go to in order to give me something to look forward to because I never seem to be content with just....being.
Due to my crazy work schedule, I wasn't sure that I was ever going to be able to bring my blog back, or that I even wanted to. However, after thinking it over, I realized that I missed writing. It calms me down and I tend to learn things about myself during my writing sessions.
When I first created my blog, I wanted to help others who have been through the same traumas that I have gone through. While that is something that I would still like to do in the future, I quickly learned last time that if I haven't healed from my own past, how am I supposed to help others?
While I realize that my emotions are going to be all over the place and that they may resemble a rollercoaster, I am here to talk about the good days, bad days and maybe even the ugly days because I am so tired of letting my past consume me and control my life.
My therapist is giving me hope and I truly believe that if I put in the work, it will all be worth it in the end and I'm excited to see the person that comes out on the other side. A survivor instead of a victim.